Updated: Mar 15, 2020
I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food for as long as I can remember. It’s always been a source of comfort for me. Inherently I’ve also been overweight for as long as I can remember. I didn’t grow up in the “body positive” movement. No one wanted to be fat. 🗣 NO ONE. I grew up in a culture that not only shames fat people, but openly criticized fat people.
As a child, my mother always made me feel beautiful and special. I love my momma y’all. My momma was my haven. I don’t ever remember a time where my momma criticized or even mentioned my weight to me. She cared, yes. But I think deep down she knew it was hard for me, and wanted to try her hardest to make me feel beautiful in a world that shamed my beauty. That didn’t seem to be enough for me. I still hated my body. One positive thing that did come from my mothers nurturing was although I hated my body, I always loved ME! Seems like an oxymoron. How can you love yourself, if you also hate a piece of yourself. I’ll tell you how. I thought my body was the only problem. I honestly didn’t think anything else was “wrong” with me.
It took me well into adulthood to realize my body wasn’t the problem... it was ME. SURPRISE! Plot twist! I was broken on the inside. I had a lot hurt to heal. From sexual abuse, to daddy issues, to so much more.
These things surfaced for me after being married with a baby. It literally hit me like a flood. The flood gates had opened and I was trying every which way to close them and it just was not working. Before we get into that let me back track.
Junior year in high school I was the heaviest I thought I would ever be in life. At 16, going on 17 years old I weighed 256lbs. It was the summer time. I went to Michigan for a pre-college program. At the end of the program they played a slide show. Every single picture I was in made me cringe. I didn’t even notice myself. I made a commitment that day to get in shape. By the time senior year was over, I weighed 186 pounds. I had lost 70 pounds in under a year. I was in the gym EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. TWICE. A. DAY. I also took advantage of PE so on average I would be working out 3 times a day. Yet.... I still had an unhealthy relationship with food. Although I changed my diet, somewhat. I’ve never really eaten “bad” I just used to eat a lot.
When I went off to college I pretty much maintained my weight up until junior year. Junior year I began to see the scale increase not by much... but still. It was when life happened did I really start to see my weight increase drastically. I never imagined getting married at 22. When I got married at 22 I never imagined my marriage failing. When my marriage started to fail, I stopped “never imagining” things. I stopped living in a world that masked my feeling and my emotions. I started to live in them. Once I let myself feel, I began to heal. At that point in my life, I anticipated the worse in a lot of things. I’m grateful for that moment in time. It forced me to look at myself naked. From the inside out. It forced me to begin healing. To get down to the nitty gritty of my struggles.
What I realized is I used food as a way to feel. I never really felt what was real because I depended on food to feel. Overcoming an eating disorder such as overeating (yes, it’s a thing. A real thing) is hard. To this day I’m still recovering from my unhealthy relationship with food. Which can be tricky at times because everyone needs food to live. But through grounding myself and my journey, I’ve developed strategies to help recognize when I’m reverting to food to feel versus using food for fuel.
For folk with overeating disorder - there is a level of codependency we have with food. It’s not as simple as making it up in your mind that you’re going to lose weight. It’s understanding where your co-dependence with food is rooted in. Once that is revealed, you can spend time healing whatever that may be to start healthily healing your physical body.
After I delivered my second baby, I weighed 270 pounds. I literally gained over 100 pounds since I was at what I thought the best shape of my life was. So what happened? Life. I thought I could “fix” my problems by fixing my image. It took me to be married with two kids to realize I had a lot of unhealed hurt I carried with me since childhood, including an eating disorder.
So friends, I dedicated last year to healing emotionally. Recognizing where my codependency with food has stemmed from, I am able to heal my physical body in the best way! I’m taking y’all on my journey as this year I’ve committed to getting in THE BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE. Follow me on IG to stay updated on my journey. Will you join me?